Ready or Not
by biscuitsandbuttercream
Summary: Do you ever think that your mind plays tricks on you? Maybe it does that to protect you; maybe it hides things from you because it knows that you're not ready. But when other people start to notice things, maybe it's time that you faced up to what you've been hiding from. - Mainly Kensi/Deeks but the whole team appears. Just having some fun putting thoughts into words.


_This idea has been floating around somewhere in my brain for a while now and after Sam and Kensi's little talk in Fighting Shadows I thought I might as well try and write down my thoughts in some legible manner._

_As you may have guessed by my nod to 'the talk' Sam gave Kensi yes, this is another pregnancy fic *groans from the back of the room*. But this was a scenario I had fun conjuring up and who doesn't love the thought of little jungle-cat-ninja-assassins?_

_So anyway, here's Chapter one. This is most likely to be a one or two shot because I don't have the amazing creativity and perseverance that others seem to have to make this a huge multi-chapter. Although I do have a couple of ideas for more chapters so if anyone would like to co-write more with me or take over this story then please feel free to message me. _

_Happy reading and I'd love to know what you thought of it. x_

* * *

"Hey Sam did you-"

"GOOOD MORNING! Isn't it such a lovely day today?" He asks as he passes a very flustered young man wrestling with a stack of white paper in his arms. He acknowledges with a kind-of-smile but it comes over as more of a grimace as the top sheets flit nonchalantly onto the floor. "He's new." he says to himself.

"Deeks!" Kensi scolds as she bends down to help the poor man who now seems to have more paper on the floor that in his arms. She hands his paper back to him and catches up with Deeks. They walk in perfect unison past the ornate wooden dividers that surround their space and towards their desks with nothing more than a knowing look exchanged between Callen and Sam. They aren't even trying to be subtle about their relationship anymore now that the majority of OSP know. Sam shakes his head and smiles as he returns to his conversation with Callen.

"Anyway, you were saying?" he prompts.

"Yeah, did you know there is a game on this weekend? Remember how they cancelled all those games last month because the electrics blew again?" Sam nods. "Well they've decided to reschedule it for this weekend, they're saying they're trying to squeeze them all in before the end of the season."

"Well I say good luck to them. You'd really think they'd have fixed them properly after last time."

"What happened last time?" Deeks perks up at the sound of some drama.

"The electrics fused out. Ended up exploding the scoreboard and taking out half of the cameras. There were a lot of unhappy customers." Sam says.

"I'm sure there was." He pushes his sunglasses onto the top of his head which makes his sea-soaked hair stick out like a lion's mane. Kensi could only snigger.

Callen looks up from his desk to see what Kensi is laughing at. "Deeks have you ever heard of a thing called a towel? It's a wonderful thing. It dries your hair." He mocks.

"I think he's been spending too much time with Monty. He gets out of the water and just shakes himself like a dog." Kensi replies.

"Well I, for one, think it makes me look rugged." He says as he takes of his glasses and slips his bag over his head. "Sty-"

"Styled by pillow!" The other three say in unison.

"Yes we know, Mr LA. Thanks." Callen continues as Deeks sits down at his desk, moving his never-ceasing paperwork to make room for his feet as he relaxes into his seat.

"Well I was actually gonna say 'styled by the sea' but OK." Deeks lies.

"Sure you were." Sam said, voicing the doubt that everyone had. A chuckle ripples around the bullpen before Sam interrupts. "DAMN IT! If the games on this weekend, then I'm going to have to find a babysitter. Michelle's going to a friend's birthday so she's going to be out as well." At that moment Kensi's head drops back down to the paperwork she had been pretending to work on, but it was too late. "Kennsiii?" Sam says in a sing-song voice. Kensi looks up innocently as if she hadn't heard any of the previous conversation. She looks at Sam and then Callen and back to Sam.

"Ohhh no! No. Nah-ah. Not happening." She protests. "Sam do you not remember what happened last time?! I nearly put your kid in hospital because she ate nuts! There is no _way_ I'm stabbing your child with a needle again!"

"That wasn't your fault - if anything it was Deeks' fault, he brought the cake. Even Kam didn't realise until she had eaten it. Please Kensi? Don't make me say pretty pl-"

Sam is interrupted by a familiar shrill whistle. The four of them look up to see the Wonder Twins standing at the top of the stairs, Nell with her tablet as per usual. Eric gives a gesture with his arm summoning them up to Ops.

"Looks like we got a case," Kensi says as Sam and Callen pull themselves up and out of their chairs. "Come on Mr LA, let's go." She says as she swats Deeks feet that are happily perched on his desk.

"Alright, alright I'm coming." He says letting out an over-dramatic sigh as they make their way towards the stairs.

"Miss Blye!" That was a voice they all knew too well. They turn in unison, each one of them two steps behind the other, paused on the stairs like a photo shoot and each of them with a concerned look on their faces.

"Yes Hetty?" She asks a little embarrassed to be put on the spot like this.

"I would like to speak to you." Hetty says as she walks from her desk towards the team, stopping about half way. "I have a job that I would like you to do." She gestures to her desk in the corner. "If you would."

"Er... Yeah, okay." She says a little puzzled as she walks back down the stairs. She looks back at her team with apprehension. The last time Hetty had called her over to her desk for a 'job' she ended up a prisoner in Afghanistan - something she would not like to repeat - so it was only natural for her to be a little uneasy. And her team were too.

When Kensi reaches Hetty she pauses. "Go on my dear." Hetty encourages. "And you three, up to Ops. I believe you have a case!" With a flick of her wrist, the three men scatter like chickens up the stairs and away from sight, but not before Deeks can give Kensi one last look that says 'you're good'.

Kensi sits down in one of the chairs opposite Hetty's. Crossing her legs, she waits with a mix of worry and intrigue boiling somewhere deep inside of her. She looks down at her hands that have started to fidget, her thumbs subconsciously scratching the undersides of her fingers - a habit she thought she had got rid of but had recently returned when she became anxious or stressed - to be fair, her job wasn't exactly easy-going but it was getting worse by the day. She didn't think that getting another job like this would have bothered her as much as it was right now. Yes, there would be increased danger going on a big undercover op by yourself; you don't have your partner to have your back but at least you only have yourself to worry about right?

"You don't have to be so nervous. You're not going undercover again. Relax Miss Blye." Hetty's voice floats in the air around her as she walks past her and sits down at her desk. Clasping her fingers, she sets her hands on the table and is oddly silent with no giveaways from her poker face she now wears.

"Hetty what's going on?" Kensi questions. "You took me out of the briefing and asked me here for a reason. What is it?"

Hetty says nothing. She moves to go into her jacket pocket and takes out a key. She then reaches down, her head disappearing from sight as she unlocks the desk's bottom drawer. She searches around and pulls out a brown paper bag. Placing it on the table she pushes it towards a now even more bemused Kensi.

Kensi reaches out and takes a hold of the bag. She unwraps the top and peers inside. What she finds knocks her completely off course. The shock on her face is duly noted as she hurriedly re-closes the bag and pushes it back across the table in the direction of Hetty. She sits back in the chair, resting her elbow on the arm and her head on her hand looking at the floor.

It takes her a couple of seconds to look up at Hetty. She lets out a sigh of frustration as she combs through her ponytail with her hand, twirling the end.

"Miss Blye, I think you should take it." She says cautiously as she slides it back to Kensi. "I'm assuming you had your suspicions, yes?"

Kensi pauses as she thought. She had had none of the usual symptoms so far, but she hadn't been feeling just quite right recently either. Maybe her reflexes _were_ slower than normal and, come to think of it, a couple of times she had zoned out of briefings, nearly falling asleep with Deeks having to give her a prod in the side to keep her awake.

She realises Hetty is right. She had had her suspicions, but she had subconsciously chosen to ignore them. Because one thing was for certain, she definitely was _not _anywhere near ready to face them yet. Unfortunately, Hetty had other ideas.

Kensi lets a breath of air out and pauses, trying to find the words. "Hetty, I don't think I can." Replying with more emotion than expected, which surprised her. "I really really don't think I can do it. Any of it." She says plainly. No façade, no walls, this was no time for lies. She would only be lying to herself if she did because Hetty sure as hell wouldn't believe her if she said anything but the truth.

"My dear, you owe it to yourself to at least put your mind at ease." Hetty says. "Don't get ahead of yourself. Take it, put it in your bag and you can decide on it later."

She was right. Kensi really needed to know what was going on. She grabs the paper bag, a bit too aggressively than she intended and stands up. She says nothing but smiles a meagre thank-you-smile at Hetty before she walks over to the bullpen and to her desk. She sits down and grabs her bag from under the desk, her vision blurs as she zones out, thinking. She hears only now the general buzz of noise she has become so accustomed to over the years as people go about their lives. She puts the test in her bag, closes the flap and stops - the realisation of what may be happening hitting her pretty damn hard. Lying back in her chair she looks up to the ceiling, the bright LA sun streaming through the skylights and sighs. Again.

Hetty watches her as she battles with herself. This really had knocked her sideways. Her expression is torn - between panicked, angry and deadpan. Hetty can almost see each one fighting for dominance on the surface as she tries to control her emotions. She feels exhausted just looking at her. Then it's as almost if a switch clicks and she snaps back into reality. She shoves the bag back under her desk and gives it a little kick - just to make her feel better which makes Hetty smile - then stands up. Forcing her normal aura to return and re-establishing her walls that have become the norm to most people, she composes herself to head up to Ops. Sighing for what she decides is the very last time, she puts one foot in front of the other and ascends the stairs to join her team.

...

The guys head up to Ops. They didn't really know what to say which was rare, especially for Deeks. They were aware that this would be Kensi's first solo undercover op since Afghanistan and they couldn't help but worry. She had never even mentioned it to them after the DOJ stunt. Even Deeks didn't really know what went on out there and to be honest, he was not sure that he even wanted to know. So they enter the Wonder Twins lair with only a "What have you got Nell?" from Callen.

Nell notes the absence of Kensi but continues anyway. "So, early this morning Staff Sergeants Melanie O'Reilly and Ross Martin were found dead in his home in Playa del Ray." Nell swipes away on her tablet to produce the crime scene photos onto the screen. "LAPD reckons that it's a murder-suicide."

"And we don't?" Deeks asks.

"No. We don't." Eric chimes in and turns to Nell who flicks the Staff Sergeants' service records up on screen.

"Melanie and Ross both joined the Corps at the age of eighteen. They were childhood sweethearts and had lived on the same base for ten years. They went through training and managed to climb the ranks together. This scenario just seems odd because at their last routine psych eval they both passed with flying colours."

"A psych evaluation isn't the be-all and end-all." Sam says.

"He's right. A clear psych assessment doesn't mean that they hadn't learned to hide it well. Maybe they just snapped? There's got to be something more to this." Callen says.

Nell gives him a look. "Melanie's mother is a Sergeant Major so this one's coming from the top." She says as the three men nod in understanding.

...

Kensi stands outside the big black doors that lead the way into Ops. She looks down at Hetty to see her drinking her second cup of tea today and seeming to be none the wiser although Kensi knew different. She knew she was watching her, hell she was the one who realised she might be pregnant before she even did herself. She tells herself off for stalling, takes a deep breath and walks into Ops.

The doors slide open with a familiar hiss and Kensi walks in. The team's stares feel like they last a lifetime and she feels them burning deep into her body. But in reality, they had all looked away by the time she took another step. Except for Deeks, of course, who watches her every move, trying to read her as she takes her usual spot beside her partner. She smiles up at him with all the reassurance she can muster.

Looking up at the screen she takes in the new case as fast as possible. It looked like a murder-suicide to her so why they had the case she couldn't tell.

"Orders from above." Deeks says as if he can read her thoughts.

"Let's go then. Kensi, you and Deeks talk to the girl's parents. We'll talk to their Commanding Officer. You'll fill her in on the way there?" Callen asks Deeks. Deeks nods and they all make their way out of ops.

"Kens." Deeks takes her arm as they make their way towards the door. Callen and Sam decide to keep walking and let them be as they head towards the stairs. "Hey, Kensi. Are you OK?"

Kensi didn't really know what to say so a simple "Yeah." would have to do.

But Deeks didn't buy it - of course he didn't, he's her partner - so he tries again. "Kensi." He says, with more strength in his voice than before. He opens his mouth to continue but Kensi interrupts him before she gives in and says something she will regret.

"No Deeks, I'm fine. Really." She says. She looks straight at him summoning up all the sincerity she has to make her lie seem as true as possible. To both Deeks and herself. She turns her back and starts to walk before he sees the crack that is making her walls crumble around her.

"You're 'fine'. Which means you totally are not fine." He calls after her as he follows her to the stairs. Nell and Eric exchange a concerned glance as they listen to their albeit brief conversation and come to the same conclusion - something is definitely up.

* * *

_OK so I felt this was a good place to stop because I really wanted to get it posted and this story seems to have taken on a life of it's own. It just seemed to flow and I enjoyed writing it. I realise that I haven't really covered much and really just laid the foundations so I feel like I should probably follow it up. I hopefully will but I have to be realistic and it will definitely be after exams. __The offer still stands however for a collab or otherwise but I may write a bit more before I hand it over. In the mean time, I'd really love to hear what you think because I haven't done one of these in a while. x_


End file.
